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posted 24 October 2003
i think it all started with a new wish...
in July i took a trip to Vermont to see some friends & work-mates * it was a good trip all around, but there was one particularly incredible evening, an evening that changed me a little * i had dinner at the gorgeous timber frame home of Julia Alvarez & Bill Eichner, two of the sweetest people i have ever met * i was excited to meet Julia, the most famous person i can honestly call my friend (she is a true friend, genuine & generous) but when i got there i was captivated by both of them, the way they opened their arms, ears, eyes, hearts, home & garden up wide for me *
watching the way they are together, feeling the way they were with me, full of big sweet love, caused me to go home with a new wish: i started wishing for sweetness * i wanted the kind of home they have -- the one made of wood & the one made of hearts * i had been wishing to be true (for 6 years!) & i decided i am true (confused maybe, but true), at least enough for a new wish * i like to wish for the hard things, things really worth seeking * i take it a little bit more seriously than your average wish on a star & boy do they ever come true...
on my drive home i stopped at the beautiful Robert Frost interpretive trail, a short walk that winds through forest, meadow, along brook & hilly view, with his lovely, earthy, insightful poems posted along the way * i walked the loop alone in the warm last light of the day & made my new wish on the first star i saw * when i came to the door at Stephen's house i could hear him inside playing guitar & singing a song about Marilyn to himself... i didn't want to go in & stop his music but he was delighted to sit down for a beer nightcap with me to hear about my evening * i knew he had wanted to go with me but he had wanted me to have the moment all to myself *
ah yes... sweetness... i wanted more of that * now, like Jim Carrey said,
I pray for wisdom, and when you pray for wisdom you get your ass kicked.
sweetness sounds like a nice mild thing but boy did i get my ass kicked anyway! i had the feeling there would be some big changes, but i had no idea...
i got home to Oly & everything was wrong all of a sudden * Bob didn't want to come get me & even though i could understand 'cause i got in late & we had a Neil Young concert to go to the next night, even though i was pleased to ride home with my good friend Jess... i was hurt * then he never seemed very happy to have me back * finally he broke up with me * i thought... this is sweetness? but deep down i realized that even when i made the wish i'd known that it was all about to change *
i wallowed, believe me, i cried & cried... but it was a new moon & soon it was a new month * since i had to start over anyway, i decided to go for it * i would run away somewhere new, some place where nobody knew me * each time i start over i find things i'd forgotten about in myself, in the world, in my friends * there were some parts of me i was aching to grow back * i would just open up & see what came to me * it was the end of an era & time to start a new life * it was just a question of where to begin *
i first thought of Corvallis 'cause when i was taking a computer class in Seattle the hilarious little hottie who was my partner (a boy who didn't mind at all when i took to calling him Scotty Porn Dog) was from here * i had teased him but he'd raved & raved about the little college town surrounded by hills & trees, with the Willamette running through it * i called him up & he raved some more & sent me some links & i found an ad for the place where i'm living now (at the time i thought i was going to take my dog but that's another broken heart story) &... it just felt right * it felt like i was meant to come to Twin Maple Lane, even just looking at the ad *
i'd never been to Corvallis, not with Bob, not with anybody, so there were no pretty memories here * that sounded good * i thought for a long time about Bend & i still do, but (aside from all the pretty memories) it just seemed a little remote to be moving to the desert on the other side of the mountains when i figured i had to be able to meet some people, make new friends, find new love (not that Bend doesn't have a fantastic collection of outdoorsy boys & girls) * it's nice to be able to get to Portland or Eugene quickly * this cute little college town (go Beavs!) seemed to be calling me *
i talked to my pal Kyle & he got all excited about it, easily talking me out of Bend or even considering the Peninsula to stay in Washington * he thought Corvallis sounded perfect * his girlie Rachel's parents live out toward the coast so he said they'd come & sweep me away out there some time * introduce me to some hippies (that's what Scotty wanted to do too -- is it the long hair? the name?) * i came down to see Twin Maple Lane & that crazy, caring, genuine, generous Sunshine came out & told me they're big on being neighborly around this place & everybody recycles & composts & there would be chickens & goats soon & i just knew this was were i was s'posed to come *
so i stopped looking & trusted the fates & less than 3 weeks after Bob made the biggest mistake of his life (not really... sigh * damnit, sometimes love just isn't enough) my lease started on this cute 2 bedroom with porches on the front & back & the huge communal yard all round (on 3 sides of me -- on the other side there are all my awesome neighbors) * the goats & chickens are here & there's a kitty & plenty of puppy love, but none of it mine * it's a transition time * a getting over & moving on time *
the night i left it was so windy that when we ate outside the lettuce on our salads kept blowing away * an appropriate phrase kept running through my mind: the winds of change * they blew me forcefully, loudly, quickly toward a new life for a solid month & i tried to listen (in fact, they've been blowing again today) * funny how open you can be when you get low * there are dancing lessons from god in any accident * funny, now my resident guardian angel keeps comparing everything (the good stuff) to dancing * i've got 2 guardian angels now (sometimes you can almost see the wings) * i guess i had 2 in Oly too: Kyle & Iverson... the worst thing is that i gave up that pup... gad that one hurts in a forever kinda way, makes me tear up just to mention it * sent me on a down spiral to get an email from Bob today in which he told me how the sports season is looking but nothing about the pup * the shock of what seems like the total loss of connection to 10 years of my life has not yet worn off *
...but Sunshine is a real love & so is my housie Nathan (even if he is a punkass kid ;) * i figure the fates have done me right once again * they keep taking care of me... last week i had a bad dream that set me back to the ol' pity party cryin' over lost dogs, lost friends, lost towns & even lost boys * suddenly Nathan came home telling me to hurry up & pack up 'cause i was gonna go to Smith Rock with him & be his belay (if i wanted, but that's never even a question with me if you're talking about getting out into some nature) * boy, those fates are good!
then this last Monday night i was dancing in a big open empty space at the top of the memorial coliseum as the Flaming Lips sang Do You Realize? * as i danced & sang along to those wonderful lyrics i watched my favorite band play their last song of the night but what drew my eyes more than that was the pair of brothers a few rows down trying to tell each other (without being able to use words) that they do realize... i hoped they heard the words of the song & felt the moment of connection 'cause that was one of those defining moments, the ones that haunt (deliciously) for life *
i've had quite a few of those lately * i'm also taking pictures in a new way than ever before, i've drawn a coupla pictures in oil pastel & i've written (or at least tried to write) a bajillion poems... i had stopped doing all of those things *
i'm having no more trouble trusting those fates & the whacky universe that keeps on providing * next time it leads me to some nowhere place like Corvallis nobody will even have to talk me into it *
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