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the Obsession Chronicles

belonging to a place

leaving Corvallis

i feel i can't begin this page, the first of a new era, without a nod to Corvallis * it sure was a great place to be for a while * the dog-friendliest town i've ever visited (i hear Carmel is great too but i've not been there with the pup yet) * living on the Willamette again restored a bit of hope too -- it's a lot more livable than it used to be & i expect it'll get better as people appreciate it more *

having a fleeting taste of community at good ol' Twin Maple Lane helped me realize i had to get myself back down here to Caspar where i have a permanent & lively connection, to people & especially to the land (this place owns me, but that's the next story) * stopping in Corvallis also helped me tear myself away from the Pacific Northwest, to which i had given my whole heart from the beginning, 14 years ago (if not before) * i haven't gotten over arriving in the new home, let alone had time to think about leaving behind the old ones & the wish for any more new ones * but if Corvallis was the right place for me to be last year, then Caspar is the right place period *

coming home

there are times when it is good to feel insignificant * Rainier always made me feel that way, better than any other mountain i've met * the ocean makes me feel that way, with an extra dose of fear -- some fear is good, maybe i mean respect * i have a healthy fear & respect for the ocean & all her critters, depths & motions *

Caspar, a place which to many must appear insignificant itself, gives me that most deliciously disturbing settling chill of insignifigance * out of the blue & over the top: out of control... but it's not a loss of control of myself so much as realizing, accepting, & being completely grateful for my lack of control over the whole wide wonderful world * this is one of those places that makes it really obvious to me that i am controlled by my environment more than i control it (which, in case my bias is not clear, is as it should be) * i will live out my years here at the pleasure of this place (& i already know some of her best secrets) *

this coastline, this edge of the continent (on a foggy summer day sometimes it really looks like the edge of the world -- right out my kitchen window & bigger & better down on the beach) along which i walk every day changes quickly over the years * it changes very quickly on some days * storms bring floods & landslides (& endless jobs for Caltrans) * the plates could twitch & sink us all (just watch the movies) * & that's saying nothing of the work of the ocean on any given day *

it has an added power over me because i was born in the house next door * board by board it's become a different house but it is no small thing to sleep & wake so close to the exact place of my birth * it's stretching it to say that i grew up here but this place has been the one constant in my long string of addresses (i think this makes my 20th street address, which doesn't count the times i've moved back to a place, mostly this one -- i do count this one because i have my own home this time & it's a new street address) *

when i walk out on the headlands (there are at least 3 different beaches within easy reach of our front door) the ever-busy current of memory floats close to the surface of my consciousness, flashing scenes from over the many years, some cherished, some forgotten * it makes me feel... dominated, owned -- in that sexy way they talk about in L' Auberge espagnole * now that i'm here, i can see that i always knew i'd end up back here, no matter how hard i fell for the rivers & mountains of the Northwest * now that i'm back i intend to live like i will spend the rest of my days here (& if i'm lucky i will) *

• house finch
• goldfinch
• song sparrow
• stellar's jay
• scrub jay
• rufous hummingbird
• black-capped chickadee
• chestnut-backed chickadee