i hated meeting you
hate it still, hate it every day
damnit...
some things you get a taste of
& you're ruined

i hate that i go out at night
(tempted to piss in my backyard
with my pup)
& look up at my bright stars
my milky way stars
my down to all the horizons stars
bright as they were ten years ago stars
& i think of that early morning
when i woke to pee
(on the muddy clean beach)
after the moon had gone down
& the stars...
brightest stars i've ever seen
those stars reduced my vocabulary
to "omigawd... lookit..."

& i curse you for that
why not?
you loved it first
i could see that in those eyes
you tried to hide
...those impossible stars
bright & close as christmas lights
in a wide deep blue ceiling
of desert night
that silty pure river
getting under my skin
in seconds
staining my dreams
for good...
you had all these things in your voice
as you spoke
& i knew from the start
i was toast

i curse you because i wake up
every morning
still today, still tomorrow
& i wonder which of your
favorite tasks you're starting into
which river will tease your soul today
as i wake to wishes
(favorite, yes,
i saw that too:
you love it, you live it...
& that's beautiful
almost as beautiful as those stars)

i hate that i wandered thoughtlessly
across the pile of rocks with
the most orange, the most
of the sandy warm colours
at my low tide home beach yesterday
& suddenly my eyes came alive
hurrying over all the colours
all the roundnesses
the curvy carressing edges
fingers feeling without touch
thinking of those other rocks
those much more vivid colours

i hate that i thought of those rocks
even when i spread my hand
into the warm dark roughness
of the southwest face of the cliff
speaking to me without words
of the warm day ending
of the sun sinking
into the wide close ocean behind me
the moment was pink orange
yellow blue all around me
bright spreading lasting changing sudden
as my focus was caught by a rock
speaking silently of volcanoes
earthquakes & the ocean
telling of the day
after day after day

i hate that i went to that same beach
a few days before
wearing my chacos
with that precious mud
still clinging to the right one
& what i regretted
was letting my own ocean waves
wash it slowly, insistently away
i would have given everything in
that cherished tortured moment
to slide down another silken muddy bank
to let my toes sink suddenly
down into mud hidden under the sand
leaving them minty trickly dry
for hours

yes, i blame you
you were the last straw
carefully reminding me even before i began
gently teaching me all over again
with nothing but your own example
how to love the river, the desert
& be loved by it

...i love the way it won't let go
i'll never stop wanting more
& i blame you
because it's yours