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have you ever heard a deer scream? don't worry, i won't go into the bloody details, but i went out to check my mail & i heard what sounded like a child screaming * i assumed it was the kid (Star, baby goat, see pic below) -- maybe Sunshine was giving her her shot (she's having troubles, that kid) * but it was so loud it was disturbing the horses in the field toward the road * all three stood around with worried gazes toward the goat pasture * the goats were worried too & the screaming wasn't coming from there but behind there in the trees where i could see a black tail wagging near a big ear that i finally realized belonged to a young deer * as i was almost around the pasture, almost to the deer & that horrid dog -- & believe me, i love dogs & i fully understand that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners... well this dog (a pitty & those need the best owners, but rarely get 'em) & her rottie (gorgeous dogs, but once again... very sweet & responsible with the right owners) partner in crime have already attacked the goat so their owners have, em, been proven * so... i'm almost to the deer i heard screaming from the other end of the property when finally out of the house not 50 yards away comes the owner of that dog * she calls her name lamely, from the top of the stairs, with no sign of moving * o boy... talk about getting the blood flowing * all i said was "didn't you hear that?" & asked her to keep the dog inside for a bit but i had a hard time cooling my my gaze as i tried to send a calming vibe to the terrified & yes, bloodied young deer * i mean, what is she gonna do? what can either of us do? the deer's obviously wounded or it wouldn't stay still for the dog's attack * we're so out of balance that the human whose car hit it & the hunters & even the dogs, are necessary predators since we've chased away all the good ones *

</rant> -- or at least that rant *

...because i've been thinking a lot lately about that fascinating oxymoron human nature * we really are a roaring messy beautiful horrible pile of contradictions * i mean, even those dog owners... they're better than most of 'em -- the dogs are certainly happy * i take a lot of delight in honoring the dark side, recognizing the beauty of it all * it all * somebody driving on the highway out front hit a deer who came back in here to die & along the way got attacked by the dogs * dogs which are a part of our own neighborhood, owned by some of the more decent people who live in our country -- just clueless * they're out there now taking care of the deer with Sunshine & that's better than i did *

we are, as a species (myself included, always), so unaware of our place in nature * we have no concept of the responsibility that ties us all together * us all * i do not mean just humans -- though we can't even get that straight * ...but there are the wonderful moments, that's the endless beauty of this roller coaster life * that & how sometimes a bit of the wild will barge in on a day a wake me up, like that dying deer & that dumb dog * it's a good thing * reminds me how little i am, yet at the same time what a gigantic effect even my little life has on the world around me * gets the blood flowing *

the stunning movie The Pillow Book is the inspiration for this ever-evolving page of lists * there are lots of links mixed in on my lists -- if i could find a good link on any item, i included it * some links go straight to Amazon.com or the IMDb but watch that bottom status bar because there are some other great links hidden in there * if you're interested in a little history, follow the story behind this page on the one that came before it, otherwise, click on for more rambling words and lists of beloved things -- is that an oxymoron?

the lists below may look the same but they change every time i update the page * not all of them every time, but all of them over time * as it's a new year i'm going to give them another thorough going over, keep my mind moving on to new obsessions, even though i don't completely let go of the old ones *

the 2 spots at top i'll keep -- they're always changing & besides, they please me (i'm the only audience for these pages for all i know, so why not?) * my horrorscope: i'm a woo-woo type, part pagan, so why not revel in it? & the hotties in the movies: what's life without some tasty crushes? i try to keep the list short, but when i really fall for somebody it's usually because of a generous genuine nature & then i never want to take him&her off my list * like Viggo, like Salma * i saw the elvin Cate Blanchett on Inside the Actors Studio & wow... she said "It has to be a generous act" about really giving herself to a performance emotionally, going all out as she does * the generosity of creative expression is one of my favorite concepts, the one i've begun the last 2 years with (see Viggo for last year, & Brezsny for this) * see, it's all connected *

The astrological omens say it's a favorable time for you to seek greater exposure and get yourself noticed. But there are relatively bad ways and good ways to proceed. Do not, for example, distribute nude photos of yourself over the Internet, proclaim your mad love for an unavailable genius in a full-page newspaper ad, or bust up a meeting with a screaming tirade about how brilliant your ideas are and how stupid everyone else's are. Instead, try this: Spruce up your physical appearance, stoke your charisma, improve your packaging, and hire a marketing consultant.

I saw my Aries friend Alexis yesterday. "You're even more festive than the last time I saw you," I told her. She had on red silk pants, a burgundy cashmere sweater, silver scarf, black snakeskin boots, and beaded black tunic. I noticed several new piercings and a Hindu-style red dot on her forehead just above her eyes. She also happened to be carrying her snake, which was wrapped around her arm. "The older I get, the freer I am to hide nothing about how I really feel," she replied. "It's not even rebellion any more -- it's generosity. I have this sense that the world needs me to express my most extravagant self." I nominate Alexis to be your patron saint in 2004, Aries.

my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):

there's a new baby here at the farm: Star, an itty bitty premie Nubian goat * she came along in the worst of the snow storm here (which was a rainy windstorm in Caspar for me) & Sunshine wasn't sure she would make it but now she seems to be doing well *