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the Obsession Chronicles

I have never in my life been on my way anywhere,
but simply on my way.

-- Samuel Beckett

mirror

posted 5 November 2005

it just gets better & better, this ride, life, i gotta say * i don't think anything changes much but me & it's not even me changing so much as my attitude, my awareness of self & surround * lately i've been feeling right comfortable with all of it: self, other, surround * deeply secure & wide open, i've got my teeter totter balanced here & so long as i remember to enjoy the teeterin' i figgered out how to totter back to balance no matter who gets on the other side or how sudden they jump on/off *

i can't say that i know what i'm doing or where i'm going in any kinda big picture way but the details in the day to day i am suckin' up like a kid *

luna

i'm admiring the big picture too but that's only clear in the yesterday & the today way * tomorrow's pure mystery & i'm always looking forward to the next revelation but not so's it draws my eyes off the present, always the best place to focus (there's a reason present is also a word for gift) *

looking back can be important, can help clear the goggles up for seein' the present better * my big picture reality over the last 2 years has cleared my mind eyes path right up * it's not that i planned to get to this place where i find myself, or even went willingly down this path... knew i needed some deep lone introspection (a real hot bath of sheddin' what i thought i had was needed wanted, takin' a serious look at what's really goin' on here, upstairs & down, inside & out) but took the journey more out of it being ready for me than me being ready for it * i resisted, kicked up a storm more than once, but the rainbows kept blowin' me back together until finally, only just now & just like before, over & over, i accept the challenge & relish the rewards *

net

net -- photo by Sienna M Potts, Caspar Headlands, 5 November 2005

ain't lookin' but find i do, like you do when you slow down enough to take off the blinders of habit & expectin' & see * now that i got all my censors critics & planners to back up offa me, i see so clearly & easily that the table Madam Universe has spread is bursting with constant delights * & me the healthiest i've ever felt, knowin' i don't have to taste every single dish because whichever treats come to rest in my hands will be my favorites, known or new * bein' easy to please helps but seems to me those fates they do bring it on so right *

be reflectin'

y'know, it is so much harder for me to write when i'm happy * i throw a lotta words at what i'm tryin' to say & never feel like i said it proper... i mean, i love to write when i'm happy & even if i'm sad i'm happy when i'm writing so that all works out but at times like now i really wonder what kinda sense i'm making to anybody who's reading me *

it is near impossible for me to describe why i have been getting such a big smiley kick outta life lately, more than my usual high kick even (i do love all the days, every uniquely repetitive one) * my kinda happy doesn't make sense in the usual ways * i say i'm in love & that's as close as i can get, but the love i feel is a stranger too (when did we stop living all the days?) * it's a hunger for all the rich quick slow days & for all the breathing new old places i can set my feet (o faithful feet) * what'm i in love with? everynothing really, y'want the truth * there is something precious beautiful in every moment & my eyes are wide ready to take it all in *

on top of being so easily entertained by all the pretty moments, i would dare to say that i am one lucky girl & not even fear losin' it * i don't get or have everything i want, that's sure, but luck's an attitude: just spread your arms & catch it as it comes *

where i really feel my luck the most is in the web of deep steady connection to others, the circle, the safety net which supports me, catches me & lets me fall with endless graceful humour * (i love you, mis amigos -- you know who you are or i'm not livin' right -- i'm nada without you) *

when i am not looking for anything in particular but rather enjoying the particulars, as i have finally relaxed enough to do now better than in all my years of tryin', seems i always sit down at some table like this one, fulla juiciest treats & me with an appetite * always there are friends * there are some who're always here at the table with me &, once in a lucky while, a new one sits down who changes everynothing into a whole new ride ...just like always *

rojo

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my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 3 November 2005):
I myself have not played the fantasy role-playing game Nox. From the review of it in Fortean Times, though, I surmise you might want to check it out. It could prepare you well for the coming week -- maybe teach you a few tricks that would come in handy. The reviewer of Nox says that in the game you have to weave your way through booby-trapped mazes and haunted libraries as you try to foil the schemes of an evil necromancer. An army of magic spiders may be at your command, but it won't necessarily be of assistance as you wade through a swamp rife with lethal stinking cabbages. Sound familiar?

good ol' Brezsny

angel cards i just drew:
light gratitude brotherhood play

what the tarot says
Be like the human body which tracks every part of itself, in order to heal hurts to even the smallest part.

how'm i doing:
my body is tracking, that's sure... mind heart spirit angel beast all tracking too * may be a maze but i got time, enough to be grateful for the spiders & the cabbages both * let's play, brother...

my favorite crushes:
D'mirror *
Canyonlands *
Philip Seymour Hoffman *

what i'm reading
The Last Cheater's Waltz *
Utah: A Celebration of the Landscape *
some lovely tidbits with a title yet to be defined, if ever *

niños -- photo by Sienna M Potts, Caspar, 31 October 2005

niños (Hallowe'en)