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the Obsession Chronicles

rabbit rabbit

each new day is a gift, an invitation, a new reason to get out of bed * i'm not a morning person by any stretch, but i do love that feeling of starting out fresh * i try to love (or at least live) all the days but some are just special * i always relish a new moon, a new month, a new season, a new year *

of all the firsts of the month i'm partial to November (though May Day is a sunnier favorite) * Hallowe'en is one of the official holidays that really appeals to my spirit, especially followed by All Souls Day All Saints Day or included with my favorite interpretation of the pair of the days: el Día de los Muertos * it's perfectly in tune with the season, halfway between the equinox & solstice (funny that May is the other one i mentioned, in the same spot 6 months earlier...later * i'm all pagan at heart) * it's time to honour the night, the dark, the unknown, the what comes after? the scary the sweet the clever & even the mean * certainly the past & how that's all we're gonna be in the end * ...i can't believe i didn't go visit my grandparents under their trees in the back * didn't even occur to me that i could do that this year, slacker that i am * next year i'll have to instigate the picnic back there *

the recognition of being but one of many intricate parts of this big gorgeous world is what i mean when i try to explain how i like to feel small * like how Mount Rainier makes me feel & how Canyonlands makes me feel * present tense, forever tense * the sacred places that i have loved do not fade with the distance * they're the points on the star of my spirit, my magnetic north & east, south & west *

i remember looking out across the Sound at the Olympics even on the foggy days, reaching for them with invisible fingers, feeling their myth-rich vivid presence even on the days when they didn't shock me into an ooo coming around that corner (every damn time) * i remember looking out at Rainier one hot summer when the sky was a sickly blue that wasn't really sky & in the east where Rainier should have taken up the center third of the horizon was nothing but that same sickly blue * that wasn't so much the good small, being a dirty nasty wasteful stupid human myself (but a small feeling i hope to appreciate as long as it's true) * & even with that guilty sadness, even under that murdered sky, i could feel Rainier there almost stronger than when she'd say "who's yer mama?" as i got to the top of that hill (yep, every time) * she's out there now, saying:

"i'm older & stronger, more dangerous & more life-giving, more beautiful & cruel, lasting & changing, steadier & deeper than you will ever be * you cannot know me, cannot control me, you can only worship me, can only give yourself over to me & learn from me * yet even i am young, even i won't last..."

i am hearing her & i am hearing the moss dripping in the Olympic rainforest & i am feeling the cool water of Lake Cushman after a hike * i am feeling the tingle on my toes of the silty Green River & losing all my words over the the brightness of the desert stars * i am thinking of the way the waves meet around the stack down at Junk Beach & knowing that the tide will be much lower when i go down there this afternoon & i am feeling small because life is so big vital now sweet here everyday gorgeous electrifying intricate deep rocky smooth gigantic... to be a part of it is to have all that inside you & you've gotta admit these are some damn fine suits they gave us to wander about in (& i'm not talkin' about clothing here, darlin') *

...my point was? you should know better than that! my point was that i particularly enjoy the beginning of November * it keeps on being good to me, like how N street in Sacramento always happens to be clear of cars when i need to walk across it * one o' those things that i really should not have spent all this time on because this is exactly the kind of thing that doesn't go into words *

say i'm superstitious -- shhh! not me! ...i think the right word is gullible * quite a few years ago i read that it's good luck if your first words on the first day of a month are rabbit rabbit (no, i have not been able to find the origin of that one, know it?) * i like rabbits, as a symbol anyway * i have a little crystal rabbit that rides on my daypack & i'm just foolish enough to believe that it brings me luck (i had the bunny & the luck in Canyonlands, so there ya go) * there's a little glass rabbit sitting on my monitor that just made me laugh * rabbit rabbit is just my kinda superstition *

part of the fun is trying to learn to do something that takes years of effort (i'm a little slow) * this one goes with learning to remember my dreams, to become aware in them (but not control them!) * it might sound easy & maybe for some people that kinda thing is but i always praise the weather or o wow the early sky or hello my pup or swear at my alarm long before i've remembered it's the first of the month * i always said it anyway -- it's all about forming a habit *

very early in the morning of this 1 November i woke up, looked out at the dark moonless starless sky & smiled at that particular night, some kind of a connection time between our ideas of heaven & hell * then i said rabbit rabbit, laughed at myself & went back to sleep * it was a good day * i had good work & the right attitude for it * & it was the first of a new month & i was feeling my luck *

that afternoon i knelt down at my mailbox & i wished out loud without meaning to * i wished for a letter, a particular letter, exactly the letter that was awaiting me inside that box & that stopped all my motion when i saw it there *

i had ten minutes before i had to meet my folks for a sunset walk followed by dinner & a movie (Ray, loved it) so i read it once standing out on the headlands while Pippin ran around * doesn't the universe always provide the good little things?