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the Obsession Chronicles

living it up ...& down

that endless roller coaster life has been taking me for a ride again... from rabbit rabbit to midnight tears, it's all part of the ride * one of the recurring topics of conversation over my last year has been the emotional roller coaster of life & the way we each choose to ride it * me, i signed up for the whole adventure & i want the scary one: i wanna be upside down & backwards; i wanna be falling & sliding around; i wanna all but hit bottom, all but fly outta my seat... comfort is lovely but it's not my biggest concern * some of my friends say they don't have the deep dark times, or the giddy high times either * i guess it's all a question of perspective * i can only see the world through my own eyes but it seems to me that everybody's got what i call the basement to wallow in & everybody's got the rooftop to shout from * i figure you can choose to ignore the basement & the rooftop but that doesn't mean they aren't part of you * sometimes i think it's not a choice at all, or if it is i made mine a long time ago *

i started writing this piece on a lost & sad type day * why the midnight tears? ...isn't life a delicious mystery? isn't it fantastic that we inhabit bodies that can feel & cry? don't you have to appreciate that kind of magic? i got almost the same satisfaction from watching quick tears drop in a circle beside my bed as i got from opening my mailbox to a letter i'd wished for * both moments had a purity of essence, the fullness of life, proximity to source that makes them almost inseparable in memory * the next morning i cleared some of the cobwebs out of my basement, putting the demons into the words, honouring the muses in them * that afternoon i took a long quiet walk along the headlands & by nightfall i was dancing myself to Turks Head!

raising the spirits

i've been totally absorbed in my latest best obsession with Canyonlands * i've got to get back there! i've been nourishing the crush, revisiting my photos, searching out all the books i can find, loving Raven's Exile & wishing i was married to the ranger who has to run the river over & over again all season... there prolly isn't one any more anyway...

i'm dreaming of running that river on my own * i know that's crazy... i know people disappear out there, lose arms, etc. * Stillwater Canyon is hardly the height of danger but it's not tame * there are some damn hard ways to die out there... sure that scares me but it doesn't stop me * i'd rather die by rock or river than by car or airplane & either way i definitely want to spend a few more (100) days in Canyonlands first *

i wonder if i'm ready to go it alone yet * i've no doubt i will do it but next year might not be the year * i wonder if those Tex's boys would drop some naïve girl off on that river alone * i don't really see why not, if i'm crazy enough to do it * i wonder what it would be like, how i would do all alone in all that wild... & i want to find out! i want to see the colours, feel the rhythms, to get inside the life of the desert river without anything else to distract me, without anybody to hide behind *

i think i'd rather be alone in that canyon than in the forest around here y'want the truth * there are too many roads in this forest * it's too exposed -- to people... see, it's people i fear, isn't that tragic? we chased away the other predators * prolly i'd be safe enough here, certainly i wouldn't be "safe" in Canyonlands alone... i could put my back to that cliff below Turks Head & dance though!

i'm in a mood, despite my whining about being lonely, to take a vision quest, much as a white girl can do that sort of thing * i'd do it by feel, tracking dreams, dancing away the fears, stumbling into whatever luck awaits ...i'd just be trying to keep my eyes open & my courage up *

hiking memory lane

years ago i hiked up into the Cascades with the friend who brought out & listened to my midnight tears (tough love, baby, gotta have it) * right now i can't even remember what the place was called but i could describe it for you up & down, first green then white with snow & no trail in sight * ah! we were near Sawtooth Ridge (i remember because i've seen the Sawtooth Ridge in the Olympics too, on another memorable snow trip with the boy i was dating at the time of this story -- all the stories intertwine, don'tcha know?), which is what we watched the sun set behind while the full moon rose on the opposite horizon, reversing the scene in the morning, how could i forget? we hiked up in sunny weather, far enough into summer to expect that but early enough to be the first humans up there that season * just lovely... there's nothing like getting way off the beaten path *

my long-cherished companion was pissed at me because i was offering no benefits, babe, just hiking * i thought it was pretty funny, sweet even, that he was pissed over that but then again it made me a bit pissed too * i'm a faithful type & it's not like i hadn't told him exactly what to expect * so i loved him well before my boyfriend (even if i'd love him longer), that didn't give him any lasting rights *

it snowed & snowed the last day & all night, making a new world, bright & cold in the dense morning fog * we knew the trail was going to be impossible to find for at least a couple of miles & my usually patient but today vengeful companion made it clear that if he was trip leader then we were just gonna sit it out & pout * i usually bow to experience but my spirits were too high for pouting & i did have to get back to work & that boyfriend (also a bit pissed y'want the truth but wise enough not to stop me) so i got out the map & compass & decided to go for it on my notoriously iffy sense of direction * i do like to go out with somebody who knows more than me, somebody with a reliable sense of direction anyway * i can pull my weight easy & on that white Cascades day i found to my lasting delight that i really could pull more *

from the ridge where we'd camped on a summer road we had to cross a steep wide open snowfield, covered with wet fresh snow * when he wasn't wishing he was somewhere else, or with somebody else, my sulking companion must have been wishing he had his snowboard instead of snow shoes * in snow shoes it was tough going & we angled up way above the invisible trail, even further up than we thought (i hadn't learned to remember the trail from all directions yet) because it was easier than going straight & far preferable to the idea of going down even on purpose *

once we got across the field of avalanche waiting to happen (or at least a long slide down the roadless side of the ridge with the promise of a long, difficult hike back up) we were in thick forest on a snow-covered slope just as steep * i saw my life flash before my eyes in the stretched out moment i spent careening down toward a giant tree trunk, making the choice at the last second that crashing to the bottom of the pit (what do you call that deep dish around a snowy tree?) at the bottom of the tree was preferable to crashing into the trunk * there was no question about crashing (we should've had ice picks) * so it wasn't my life flashing before my eyes, does that really happen? for me it seems to be a little simpler: i was thinking, "trunk? bottomless pit? trunk? bottomless pit!" ...which of course it took me forever to climb out of *

shaken, but having had a laugh (before & after the swearing of course), having won a little sympathetic silence & still reading the map (stopping every ten feet) well enough to figure out we were almost on top of the ridge, well above the gradual winding trail we'd taken around its shoulder to get to our camp * my sure we were lost companion pointed out that we might come to a sheer drop, some of the lines on the map offering support to that theory * then we'll have to backtrack, i figured, but we've got to get down or spend another night out here (pouting!) *

i loved it... from lost to found * my blood was whizzing & whirling with life & adrenaline, smells & contour of the forest land taking up all of my attention, feeling the importance of the situation even though i knew all along we were in very little danger (even if people do mess up in circumstances just like that) * i knew i could do it & i was scared anyhow until i saw the path at last & then i knew i'd never have to stop, that i could do it alone if i had to * it was a powerful revelation & the experience undoubtably changed the course of my life (just like every encounter with wilderness does) * i wanna do it again!