leftie Sienna Moonfire Designs: Pacific Coast Picture Stories * Website Creation & Maintenance

Sienna Moonfire Designs

Pacific Coast Picture Stories
Website Creation & Maintenance


the Obsession Chronicles

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

dark days having their own light

posted 14 December 2005

i never told anybody before but there is a particularly deep dark corner in the maze of my mind spirit experience that i visit like a panic attack, ride like a screaming fit, surrender to like a sacrifice * sounds crazy (so skip it) * well, it prolly is * sure don't feel stable, not in those moments that leave marks * if that matters, never seemed like any big deal to me (you can't point to these crazy times & tell me i'm the only one off balance) *

keep it to myself is all, like any secret too close to share * most i'd say is "had a hard day yesterday" or "i feel kinda lonely" * that's plenny * i mean, my friends know i'm half a bubble outta plumb, a whack job but harmless * they've seen some dark times, heard some lost rants * they accept me that way, share some secrets even * but i never let anybody, not even the ones i tell everything, into the dark corner i'm dancing around with these words (& you think i'm tellin' my secret here, baby, it may be too much information for you but i ain't even drawin' my curtains -- & don't worry, i won't) * it's just not a sharin' thing * i don't want no sympathy, donwanna spend time tryin' to put words on som'm better left alone *

it's just a mood that hits sometimes with enough force to knock me outta my day * just a dose of reality that takes me through so many emotions in such a short time that all i can do for hours after is hope to get lost in some book or flick * it's no rock bottom but damn... it's a freak out & nobody to tell, nobody to stop me * not me neither, no sir, no stoppin' this train * it's a choice of course, make it willingly, near conscious * i figure the easiest way through it is through it, whatever it is * live by the notion that all feelings, even scary bad ones, are worth feelin' * ("All the Way I go. The Only Way I Know.") * i've given up resisting, just ride it out, same as the high times *

slid down into that bottomless pit a while back, first time in a long time, & it's a place i know so it's not like i don't know what to do * i can only fear it so much -- might not make me stronger but it ain't gonna kill me * gettin' to be now so i can look around while i'm wallowing, watch how it goes, see how i roll * gettin' to be now so i come out with more understanding & less denyin' * laugh a little easier at my silly precious self *

this last time i submitted to that mood swing i had enough power left to write it, had somebody to write it for even, somebody who don't pity me for it, though i didn't give it * haven't given it 'cause i haven't finished it * haven't finished it 'cause i haven't read it since * haven't read it 'cause it was the casual mentioning of how this particular demon comes on to me in the long dark wintertime that brought it on in the first place *

this time when i got my breath back i sat & wrote it, every tweakin' moment of it, detail by reason by bruise * man i never woulda done that before * it's not exactly a place i like to go back to once i crawl out * who me, depressed? defeated? unable to see the bright side? hell no * too many other places to go to waste memories on that one *

not so! i've got a conversation going now with 2 other people who are willing to reveal with me, willing to see, able (me too!) & it'll never be light down there in those deep darks but i do get over my fear * come far enough already (all ready) to name it & naming fears really does take away some of their power over me * why waste all that energy hiding from dark when the stars are all in the night sky?

leftie persimmon sun (1994)
persimmon sun -- drawing by Sienna M Potts, 1994 sometime

a poem from 10 years ago

between rocks trees glass colors now
she is a persimmon offered full orange * she hangs
very gracefully from the tip of her spine
where her head hangs back * if she, the persimmon,
were visible to anyone
she would show out where it goes soft in
the back of her neck & light shines through
when she feeds on her persimmon self
she is an angel falling wings full
she is an earwig in an artichoke
she is leaves floating

a poem from the other day

. . . i gather up
like a wildflower bouquet
the peace & sweet noises
the solidity & bare edges
of water rocks
trees birds. . .
manos -- drawing by Sienna M Potts, 3 December 2005
manos (2005)

my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 15 December 2005):
It's possible there's still enough oil buried in the earth to sustain our civilization's exorbitant appetite for material comforts for another 100 years. Or it may be true, as some researchers suggest, that global reserves of black gold are rapidly dwindling, and 20 years from now we'll all be farmers and hunters sitting around campfires at night telling stories. Whichever scenario comes to pass, Aries, you'll be happiest and smartest and healthiest if you cultivate a simple and earthy relationship with luxury--maybe something akin to poet Omar Khayyam's notion, which was "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou beside me singing in the wilderness." The coming week is a perfect time for you to practice this approach.

angel cards i just drew:
beauty   honesty   adventure

what the tarot says
You can effortlessly manifest as a multi-dimensional being, and assist in evoking that response from others.

how'm i doing:
laughing over me practicing Omar's approach -- that's been my idea of heaven for a long time now, mebbe life (okay so it usta be a jug of milk but hey i'd go for either one now) * over the last coupla years i've done with less & less material riches (i have plenny) & i've found more & more magical riches * simple things, but vast * family * land * the 3 angels in the cards * words * connections * body * dreams... sitting around that campfire telling stories sounds pretty good to me & i can even think of a few people who'd join me *
my favorite crushes:
D'mirror *
Johnny Cash *
Mary Gauthier *

what i'm reading
More Like Wrestling *
Bone People *
some reddish untitled pieces that surprise me every time *

flicks i liked
History of Violence *
Narnia *
Syriana *
Walk the Line *
Bandits (again) *

my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):
my most favorite word is connect *
my least favorite word is should *
what turns me on is home cookin' *
what turns me off is vegans *
a sound i love is waves *
a sound i hate is skipping cd *
my favorite curse word is c*ck *
a profession other than my own that i would love to try is translator *
a profession i would hate to try is advertising *
if i end up at the pearly gates & there is a god to greet me, i would want her to say, "the concert's down by the river, m'dear" *
bird blessings
anna's hummingbird *
fox sparrow *
song sparrow *
scrub jay *
steller's jay *
canada goose *
zopilote *
loon *
red-tailed hawk *
harrier *
kestrel *


leftie flow -- photo by Sienna M Potts, Caspar Headlands, 19 November 2005
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