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the Obsession Chronicles

dark days having their own light

i never told anybody before but there is a particularly deep dark corner in the maze of my mind spirit experience that i visit like a panic attack, ride like a screaming fit, surrender to like a sacrifice * sounds crazy (so skip it) * well, it prolly is * sure don't feel stable, not in those moments that leave marks * if that matters, never seemed like any big deal to me (you can't point to these crazy times & tell me i'm the only one off balance) *

keep it to myself is all, like any secret too close to share * most i'd say is "had a hard day yesterday" or "i feel kinda lonely" * that's plenny * i mean, my friends know i'm half a bubble outta plumb, a whack job but harmless * they've seen some dark times, heard some lost rants * they accept me that way, share some secrets even * but i never let anybody, not even the ones i tell everything, into the dark corner i'm dancing around with these words (& you think i'm tellin' my secret here, baby, it may be too much information for you but i ain't even drawin' my curtains -- & don't worry, i won't) * it's just not a sharin' thing * i don't want no sympathy, donwanna spend time tryin' to put words on som'm better left alone *

it's just a mood that hits sometimes with enough force to knock me outta my day * just a dose of reality that takes me through so many emotions in such a short time that all i can do for hours after is hope to get lost in some book or flick * it's no rock bottom but damn... it's a freak out & nobody to tell, nobody to stop me * not me neither, no sir, no stoppin' this train * it's a choice of course, make it willingly, near conscious * i figure the easiest way through it is through it, whatever it is * live by the notion that all feelings, even scary bad ones, are worth feelin' * ("All the Way I go. The Only Way I Know.") * i've given up resisting, just ride it out, same as the high times *

slid down into that bottomless pit a while back, first time in a long time, & it's a place i know so it's not like i don't know what to do * i can only fear it so much -- might not make me stronger but it ain't gonna kill me * gettin' to be now so i can look around while i'm wallowing, watch how it goes, see how i roll * gettin' to be now so i come out with more understanding & less denyin' * laugh a little easier at my silly precious self *

this last time i submitted to that mood swing i had enough power left to write it, had somebody to write it for even, somebody who don't pity me for it, though i didn't give it * haven't given it 'cause i haven't finished it * haven't finished it 'cause i haven't read it since * haven't read it 'cause it was the casual mentioning of how this particular demon comes on to me in the long dark wintertime that brought it on in the first place *

this time when i got my breath back i sat & wrote it, every tweakin' moment of it, detail by reason by bruise * man i never woulda done that before * it's not exactly a place i like to go back to once i crawl out * who me, depressed? defeated? unable to see the bright side? hell no * too many other places to go to waste memories on that one *

not so! i've got a conversation going now with 2 other people who are willing to reveal with me, willing to see, able (me too!) & it'll never be light down there in those deep darks but i do get over my fear * come far enough already (all ready) to name it & naming fears really does take away some of their power over me * why waste all that energy hiding from dark when the stars are all in the night sky?

a poem from 10 years ago

a poem from the other day