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the Obsession Chronicles

confession: exhibitionism for the shy

"i must get off on exposing myself," i thought last night as my heart pounded in a panic, suddenly terrified with the memory of some words i'd written in a fit of honesty * every once in a while i make a confession (on my site, in a letter or an email, in a conversation with a dear & trusted friend) that shocks me awake * "did i really say that?" i'll think to myself later, surprise coming in from all directions * admiration & gratitude for the friendship that allows the confession that starles me into awareness *

i love when other people make confessions to me -- fun secrets, scary secrets, not secrets * i watch Rescue Me because sometimes the ever so proud to be a manly man Denis Leary confesses that he wants to be kissed, "grab the back of my neck & grab my ass at the same time & kiss me" kissed * yeh baby (what was i saying?) * on Live at Beyond Baroque 2 i love Viggo laughing at himself after reading a sad lovely poem, saying "sad sack, sad sack... don't care, don't care" -- a poem right there *

for the Obsession Chronicles it's a game to tell the whole truth without censoring myself (except maybe to offer up a thin veil for the innocent to hide behind -- & yet get a taste of that drug exposure * sometimes i hold back, really -- the best stories don't always fit into words anyway) * the game isn't just about exposing myself to the world * it's not about that at all (though that sure can make the heart beat fast) * the game is to be so honest i knock myself to my senses * that's some scary good fun *

last week it was all this hooey about a dream guy * a real crush on a real man in a place that's as real as it gets * what a delight * wow... that woke me up * i take nothing on that page back, not a thing, but i appreciated from the first blush of the crush that it means nothing...

& i love that it means nothing! i love that it being nothing doesn't make it mean any less * that's the joy in a crush * whatever it might mean (since it means nothing anyway) is some kind of a secret world where anything goes * thank gods i love the nothings... otherwise i'd never write!

real is one of those words that needs to be played with * sometimes the truth is in there somewhere between real & not real * in some ways my own reality -- all the obsessions, the crushes, the stories i put together -- has nothing to do with anybody but myself * like with my Viggo & the real Viggo * half the fun of a good crush is making up a story about the person you'll never know enough to disprove * of course the better half is getting to know a crush & being proved so right you were almost wrong * even with the little ones, like when Denis just wants to be kissed & Viggo wants to pick his heart open for a smile *

see, i'll admit those kind of confessions freely, easily, everyday, to anybody * what's fun is telling those truths that shouldn't be told *

inspiration keeps me busy

it's been one of those times where my hand can't keep up with my flooded mind * it's all i can do to wait till night when my work is finished for the day to break out the pen & paper * Pippin hates it because i stay up late with the light bright, papers spreading all over the bed, & i won't put my clipboard down to pet him * i love it when it's flowing fast like that *