leftie Sienna Moonfire Designs: Pacific Coast Picture Stories * Website Creation & Maintenance

Sienna Moonfire Designs

Pacific Coast Picture Stories
Website Creation & Maintenance


the Obsession Chronicles

"And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive
where we started and know the place for the first time."
posted 15 October 2004

confession: exhibitionism for the shy

"i must get off on exposing myself," i thought last night as my heart pounded in a panic, suddenly terrified with the memory of some words i'd written in a fit of honesty * every once in a while i make a confession (on my site, in a letter or an email, in a conversation with a dear & trusted friend) that shocks me awake * "did i really say that?" i'll think to myself later, surprise coming in from all directions * admiration & gratitude for the friendship that allows the confession that starles me into awareness *

i love when other people make confessions to me -- fun secrets, scary secrets, not secrets * i watch Rescue Me because sometimes the ever so proud to be a manly man Denis Leary confesses that he wants to be kissed, "grab the back of my neck & grab my ass at the same time & kiss me" kissed * yeh baby (what was i saying?) * on Live at Beyond Baroque 2 i love Viggo laughing at himself after reading a sad lovely poem, saying "sad sack, sad sack... don't care, don't care" -- a poem right there *

circle #1 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004
circle #3
slide show at tyV: Caspar: October 2004
circle #1
leftie circle #3 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004

for the Obsession Chronicles it's a game to tell the whole truth without censoring myself (except maybe to offer up a thin veil for the innocent to hide behind -- & yet get a taste of that drug exposure * sometimes i hold back, really -- the best stories don't always fit into words anyway) * the game isn't just about exposing myself to the world * it's not about that at all (though that sure can make the heart beat fast) * the game is to be so honest i knock myself to my senses * that's some scary good fun *

last week it was all this hooey about a dream guy * a real crush on a real man in a place that's as real as it gets * what a delight * wow... that woke me up * i take nothing on that page back, not a thing, but i appreciated from the first blush of the crush that it means nothing...


& i love that it means nothing! i love that it being nothing doesn't make it mean any less * that's the joy in a crush * whatever it might mean (since it means nothing anyway) is some kind of a secret world where anything goes * thank gods i love the nothings... otherwise i'd never write!

real is one of those words that needs to be played with * sometimes the truth is in there somewhere between real & not real * in some ways my own reality -- all the obsessions, the crushes, the stories i put together -- has nothing to do with anybody but myself * like with my Viggo & the real Viggo * half the fun of a good crush is making up a story about the person you'll never know enough to disprove * of course the better half is getting to know a crush & being proved so right you were almost wrong * even with the little ones, like when Denis just wants to be kissed & Viggo wants to pick his heart open for a smile *

see, i'll admit those kind of confessions freely, easily, everyday, to anybody * what's fun is telling those truths that shouldn't be told *

circle #6 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004
circle #8
circle #6
leftie circle #8 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004

inspiration keeps me busy

it's been one of those times where my hand can't keep up with my flooded mind * it's all i can do to wait till night when my work is finished for the day to break out the pen & paper * Pippin hates it because i stay up late with the light bright, papers spreading all over the bed, & i won't put my clipboard down to pet him * i love it when it's flowing fast like that *

from this wordy river
i've rescued a few scraps
a new Caspar rant:
never get used to it *
2 new slide shows:
Canyonlands *
Caspar: October 2004 *
a new poem:
d is for damnit *
& an old poem:
dream with the leftie *

my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 14 October 2004):
The guy in front of me in the grocery store checkout line today was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Sublimely tacky, yet refreshingly unrefined." That's a perfect lead-in to the astrological advice I'd like to convey to you this week, which is: You're most likely to be happy and successful if you stop trying to deny the fact that you're a beautifully messy mass of contradictions. It's high time for you to celebrate your inconsistencies and regard your mutability as a strength. I encourage you to invite all of your different sub-personalities to a big come-as-you-are party in your head.

angel cards i just drew:
joy    peace    purification

how am i doing?
beautifully messy -- you bet we're partying up a big peaceful purifying joy *
Junk Beach #7 (October 2004)
Junk Beach #7 -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
my favorite crushes:
Viggo *
Denis *
D *

my favorite dream:
i was back with my neighbors from Corvallis, Abby & Jason * Abby was looking for their cat (they had Malk, Pippin's best pal, no cat) * they'd gotten a new cat when they'd moved but they'd forgotten the other cat in the old house * Jason wasn't helping * i was teasing them about being so absent-minded * she found the cat & went off but Jason stayed because we'd already gotten into one of those random deep conversations we used to have out back over a beer while the dogs played chase * i was enjoying his sense of humour & curiousity so much, laughing & thinking through the twists & turns of our conversation * i was thinking i was going to miss my best friend since we were all moving *

sunset #37 (octubre) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 10 October 2004
sunset #37 (octubre 2004)

later on in the day, the light sweet feeling of the dream reminding me of our easy friendship, i went back to the memory of those conversations, smiled thinking of the running jokes like the traffic cone left in sneaky places sure to make eachother laugh * my biggest regret when i moved was that i'd forgotten to set the cone out somewhere one last time *
sunset #49 (October 2004)
sunset #49 (October 2004) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 12 October 2004
my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):
my most favorite word is story *
my least favorite word is forget *
what turns me on is my heart beating *
what turns me off is the rat race *
a sound i love is water pulling back through the rocks after a big wave *
a sound i hate is the phone ringing in the morning *
my favorite curse word is omigawd *
a profession other than my own that i would love to try is explorer *
a profession i would hate to try is truck driver *
if i end up at the pearly gates & there is a god to greet me, i would want her to say, "there are some people here waiting for you" *

Junk Beach #34 -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
Junk Beach #34 (October 2004)

what i'm watching:
Inside the Actors Studio
...i'll get back into it again, i'm sure, even football -- speaking of, i did enjoy Friday Night Lights (great camera work, unnerving, & ya gotta love Billy Bob)

birds at my feeders this week:
what i am reading:

what music is playing
(love that iTunes shuffle):
Junk Beach #24: wavelight (October 2004)
Junk Beach #24: wavelight -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
slide show at tyV: Caspar: October 2004


leftie self-portrait #6 with Pip (October 2004) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 12 October 2004
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