Sienna Moonfire Designs

i'm really gonna do it -- i'm going home, to stay at last * Caspar is a lovely little town on the coast of California above San Francisco * i was born there & i've always known i would return there (even if only as ashes) * i have been in love with the Pacific Northwest now for over a third of my life & when it was time to leave Oly i thought with longing of Caspar but i could not bring myself to leave the green & the fish-full rivers of this area * i also couldn't quite figure out how to return * i want to live somewhere, not stay somewhere * always in the past when i've gone home to Caspar i've only been staying * i've never had my own home full of my own stuff * it was partly a matter of living space but also a reluctance on my part to commit *

the more i think about what i'm doing with my life (& as i look back over these pages i wonder what else i've been doing!), the more i realize that the distance between my family & me is my greatest complaint (yes, even greater than being alone) * when i think back to my happiest times, they have all been with family * for a while there in Oly i had my own family & i certainly wish for that (but better next time), but to linger here when i've lost all ties begins to feel like neglecting the ties & the family that i do have * i have an excellent relationship with my parents (all 3 of them) so that i could live closely with them (which is more than many can say in this selfish, private age) * the longer i stay away, the less time we have together * i don't want to let it all slip away, but more than that i want to share my life with others in the way that only family can * i want to have other people to cook for & i want somebody else to feed me when i'm tired (i do get some of that here, i am lucky in the way of neighbors) * i want to have somebody else to take walks with -- Pippin's a wonderful companion but the conversation's limited * i want to feel that if i got myself into trouble bigger than i could handle alone there would be people around to help (they are, they always have been, but i want to be closer to them) * i want to stop looking for my place in life & just be in it * ...the more i try to describe why i want to go home at last the more it feels like trying to explain why i came here!

enough heart-searching! i had a fantastic weekend, a lovely little getaway * & i love the train -- it's the only way to travel in comfort * so it's always late -- it's nothing like spending an extra hour in the airport or suffering on the bus * i read all of the Fellowship & each time i looked up there was some new beauty to behold, like a sudden lucky view of Shasta in the quiet night on the way down & greeting me again in the clear morning on the way back *

when i arrived my sister had the morning free which was a pleasure because we hadn't seen eachother in way too long * then i rode over to the city & met up with Justin, an old flame & a dear friend * i don't think a person can help but wonder about an old flame when you still adore eachother after all the heartbreak & the years, but the friendship is what's real * & certainly enough for me *

San Francisco is a delightful city, the very best one on the West Coast * i wouldn't want to live there, at least not without a lot of money, but visiting is a joy * the highlight of my trip (it's hard to pick one, especially when i spent so much time with people so special to me -- not to mention all the wonderful food, which alone is worth a visit) was a reading, put on by City Lights, called Manifesto * thirty local authors, including some real San Francisco characters like Lawrence Ferlinghetti & the guy who would have been mayor * each one had 3 minutes to do a piece so the reading flew, except for the break when everybody was talking to each other & they seemed loathe to stop that to make people sit down & listen * most of them were very entertaining *

after that we went dancing & stayed up most of the night * i had some great conversations, although not enough with Justin * one boy told me i should "find my body" & although i know he meant that as a compliment & he's a SoCal boy so he likes a real girly-girl (not one like me who dresses like a boy, something which always makes me feel like such a country bumpkin when i'm in the city), it did make me think... in a good way * my last boyfriend had me more or less convinced that i was fat, sloppy & unattractive so it was very nice to get some other opinions on that * i do need to find my body... again *

i also talked for some time with a boy who reads! a boy who reads! wow... okay so we were talking armchair mountaineering & he's a rock climber, but i can't remember the last time i talked to anybody about books, one of the great loves of my life * Justin was out with his ex (& that's a whole 'nother story!) & i was having so much fun with his housie i felt like going out to tell him not to worry about me but to go home with her if he wanted * heh... but i behaved *

the stunning movie The Pillow Book is the inspiration for this ever-evolving page of lists * there are lots of links mixed in on my lists -- if i could find a good link on any item, i included it * some links go straight to Amazon.com or the IMDb but watch that bottom status bar because there are some other great links hidden in there * if you're interested in a little history, follow the story behind this page on the one that came before it, otherwise, click on for more rambling words and lists of beloved things -- is that an oxymoron?

the lists below may look the same but they change every time i update the page * not all of them every time, but all of them over time * as it's a new year i'm going to give them another thorough going over, keep my mind moving on to new obsessions, even though i don't completely let go of the old ones *

the 2 spots at top i'll keep -- they're always changing & besides, they please me (i'm the only audience for these pages for all i know, so why not?) * my horrorscope: i'm a woo-woo type, part pagan, so why not revel in it? & the hotties in the movies: what's life without some tasty crushes? i try to keep the list short, but when i really fall for somebody it's usually because of a generous genuine nature & then i never want to take him&her off my list * like Viggo, like Salma * i saw the elvin Cate Blanchett on Inside the Actors Studio & wow... she said "It has to be a generous act" about really giving herself to a performance emotionally, going all out as she does * the generosity of creative expression is one of my favorite concepts, the one i've begun the last 2 years with (see Viggo for last year, & Brezsny for this) * see, it's all connected *

I suggest you enlist the help of a Jewish Fairy Godmother. If you can't find a good candidate in your own neighborhood, check out the feisty saint at YourJewishFairyGodmother.com. Though I don't know her and can't vouch for her services, I like how she says she "combines a New Age soul with old world wisdom, East Coast savvy and West Coast mellow," and "has black belts in schmoozing, manipulation, and chutzpah." That sounds just right for your current needs, Aries. At this juncture in your noble struggle, you need to be nagged and sweet-talked, prodded and praised. If you get too much tough love or too much tender sympathy, you'll keep missing the point about your problem. But you'll be perfectly motivated if you receive a blend of both.

well i'll tell ya, tough love or tender sympathy, i'll take some * i shouldn't say that like i haven't had any * i saw some very old & very dear friends in San Francisco & i got both, mostly the tender bits but there was some tough love in there too (i handed some out myself) * i'm also hoping to talk to Kyle here soon & he's the tough love sort for sure * i got the beauty & joy -- always healing -- down South too, in many forms * i get that every day when i take the Pip for a walk * so i can't complain (that's just the loneliness talking) *

my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):

i was on the train, headed for San Francisco, with a little bottle of wine i got in the lounge, cheese & crackers i brought with me, a copy of the Fellowship to read (again) & some of my favorite voices singing to me * there were a couple of pages there where every other word was a new favorite word for the list & i hoped nobody around me noticed the grin i couldn't quite wipe off my face *

i was watching a slide show of pictures of my mentor & best crush Viggo (yep, he's my inner male these days -- which is a whole lot better than dreaming all the time of my ex!) in his many faces * suddenly one of the pictures came to life & he was running away from cops or government agents but he was the good guy * he was not afraid & would not stop his quest which was for children somehow * he stopped on the stairs (in a big train station -- can you tell i watched Carlito's Way last night?) & turned back in confident challenge * "how's it goin'?" he says as if he were just anybody * they thought they had killed him but he held up a list with dates & locations of all the other times they had thought they'd killed him, 3 pages of small print, & he was not dead * they weren't ready to face his challenge & they let him go * i went to him as he walked on down the stairs & asked "are you the man who was just killed over there?" * "yes!" he replied, seeming pleased that somebody had noticed * i felt a great respect & friendship for him that took away my shyness * i had the sense that he wanted to be treated as a real person, not as a criminal or a hero so i asked immediately, "would you like to get some coffee?" * he seemed pleased again at the question, always expecting to be grilled about his quest * he put his warm strong arm around my shoulders & i felt at the same time an equal yet also taken under his wing * i thought of how the real Viggo would rather drink yerba mate so i asked if he was sure it was coffee he wanted * he was so sure that i didn't reveal that i keep up with him on google news & just went to the stand below with him for coffee -- i had the feeling that he was not the man Viggo but one of his characters & i did not want to break the mood * for only two small cups it was ten bucks & even though i knew he did not have much money he did not want to let me pay * while i fumbled for a ten he set a 20 on the counter but i put it back in his pocket * to make matters worse the person in front of us poured cream in all the coffees, including Viggo's * he grumbled but he accepted it & we went on arm in arm *