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the Obsession Chronicles"The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice."
-- R.D. Laing posted 7 April 2004 | |
i'm so luckyview from within
i had quite a weekend, one of those weekends that, without being what i'd call eventful, somehow changed the course of my life * i knew it would be that way because my best friend came down to visit me -- it's always like that with him * every time we get together & talk it blows my mind wide open * it's not just him, though there isn't anybody else who has quite the same effect on me * talking with Kyle is like taking a long hard look in the mirror, the kind of self-appraisal i guess i'm afraid to do all alone * i consider myself to be an aware type, in touch with my feelings, the earth, the whole intense generousity of life... then i say stuff to him that shocks me awake * suddenly i feel like i've been afraid to get my fingers dirty down in the muddy bloody bits of my heart mind soul & suddenly there it all is shining back at me through his eyes * he asks the hard questions & for days after a conversation like that they're still swirling around, disrupting my days (daze?) * in a good way, hard, but good *
one of the most pressing questions today is: if i really want to make books why don't i go live in San Francisco? now, let's just say i didn't leave my heart in San Francisco * i enjoy a visit now & then (since i grew up in Northern Cali it's always been The City to me), but 2 days there & i'm aching to get my feet back onto the green expanses that please my rural, simple soul * but...the idea of becoming a part of a community of writers, being involved with a small press, getting to go to readings, maybe take some classes... there is a call * for so long it's been much more important to me where i am than what i'm doing, but now that i have no family (of my own, i mean, my family is all close to the city & that's another draw i can no longer ignore), no home to love for life... ai, but the city! much as i want to be a part of a creative community i feel like the creative bits of me might not survive city life * it's not my nature -- nature being such a key ingredient to my creative spirit *
...my mind swirls back to the question: what am i doing with my life? & it makes me sad because at 33 i don't really know * Kyle knows (as much as another person can) how i'm feeling so he writes: "take a good look around for me, especially on a warm, sunny day. i hope it makes you feel lucky." view from below
you bet i feel lucky *
it's a grey day, was grey yesterday & the day before too, but i do take a good look around me -- each & every day, many times a day & then at night too * & i do feel lucky, every single day * compared to so many i have a charmed life * not much money but no debt * enough talent to keep myself entertained if nothing else * a beautiful place to live * a home i can always go back to -- a permanent address, with a family full of people who not only love me completely but even understand me much of the time & always listen even when they don't * work that i do love even if it doesn't feel like my life's work * inspiration & support in the form of friends, idols & simple obsessions * an ability to find the beauty in the most oft-used trail or habit * a long season of blossoming already entering its second or third phase all around me * birds at my feeders (the other day a new one, a red-winged blackbird) * a loving pup to keep me grounded, stop me from up & moving to Barcelona or Wellington -- but the cajones to do that if that's what i decided i wanted * an appreciation for the questions & a hunger to live each day * i may be missing one or two things, even the most important things, but i do recognize & cherish my luck * | ||
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making lists: about this pagelast updated 10 January 2004
the stunning movie The Pillow Book is the inspiration for this ever-evolving page of lists * there are lots of links mixed in on my lists -- if i could find a good link on any item, i included it * some links go straight to Amazon.com or the IMDb but watch that bottom status bar because there are some other great links hidden in there * if you're interested in a little history, follow the story behind this page on the one that came before it, otherwise, click on for more rambling words and lists of beloved things -- is that an oxymoron?
the lists below may look the same but they change every time i update the page * not all of them every time, but all of them over time * as it's a new year i'm going to give them another thorough going over, keep my mind moving on to new obsessions, even though i don't completely let go of the old ones *
the 2 spots at top i'll keep -- they're always changing & besides, they please me (i'm the only audience for these pages for all i know, so why not?) * my horrorscope: i'm a woo-woo type, part pagan, so why not revel in it? & the hotties in the movies: what's life without some tasty crushes? i try to keep the list short, but when i really fall for somebody it's usually because of a generous genuine nature & then i never want to take him&her off my list * like Viggo, like Salma * i saw the elvin Cate Blanchett on Inside the Actors Studio & wow... she said "It has to be a generous act" about really giving herself to a performance emotionally, going all out as she does * the generosity of creative expression is one of my favorite concepts, the one i've begun the last 2 years with (see Viggo for last year, & Brezsny for this) * see, it's all connected * | |
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my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 8 April 2004): If forced to decide between having a bigger penis and living in a world where there was no war, 90 percent of men would pick universal peace. So says a poll conducted by Glamour magazine and MensHealth.com. I predict that fate will soon ask you, Aries, to choose between two possibilities that also seem to represent a showdown between self-aggrandizement and altruism. If you play your wild cards, right, however, you may not have to pick one at the expense of the other. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you can have both.
angel cards i just drew:
humour stength obedience how am i doing?
i must say that i think those men are lying * i wonder if my book is self-aggrandizement or altruism... that's my big dream right now -- everybody needs a dream * i sure need one, anyway, especially right now * here's hoping i have enough humour & strength to obey it!  red #10
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my favorite onscreen crushes:
the boys
& the girls
the best movies i've seen lately:
movies i want to see next:
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what music is playing:
what i am reading:
pink #6
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my favorite dream so far this month:
i was walking with two of the hobbits, my favorite Billy & also Elijah (as in real life, i really only had eyes for Billy) * they were filming the movies & i had somehow happened on them returning from an errand * Billy liked me & he gave me a kiss, sending me staight to heaven so i was going to go back to where the fans belonged -- without even asking for an autograph from either famous hobbit, despite my giant crush (i mean, after a kiss, what does a girl need?) * i must have been amusing them because they decided i should stay * as a pass they gave me a trading card (i remember it had a fish on it, which is very un-LotR but like one of the Tales Before Tolkien) & both signed the back of it * Billy wrote "kiss, kiss" & Elijah wrote "let's kiss, kiss" * what a dream! i started to look at him funny (hey, i'd kiss Elijah -- in a second!) but they had gone off to do a scene * i saw Dom sitting nearby so i went over to see if i could get him to sign my card too * i was a little embarrassed, so i asked him, stupidly, "are you bored with all this?" to which he replied "no..." & i crumpled so he smiled that adorable lady-killing smile & went on, "but that doesn't mean the answer to your next question is no" & i sheepishly, gleefully, handed over the card for an autograph but i woke up before i saw what he wrote... i should've asked for a kiss instead, hey? my other favorite dream:
there were frogs all over the trail, beautiful frogs * one especially big one in the middle of the trail was blue & green & yellow-spotted * i saw that one first but the more i looked the more i realized they were everywhere * under the plants, all over the dirt, all along the path * big ones, little ones, colorful ones, green ones * even in the dream i was thinking "i don't think i've ever dreamed about frogs before" but considering they're an indicator species i took them as a good sign (& blamed them on that night's late conversation with my best friend) *
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birds at my feeders this week:
flowers like stars
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questionnaire:
my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):
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 SONG by Adrienne Rich You're wondering if I'm lonely: OK then, yes, I'm lonely as a plane rides lonely and level on its radio beam, aiming across the Rockies for the blue-strung aisles of an airfield on the ocean. You want to ask, am I lonely? Well, of course, lonely as a woman driving across country day after day, leaving behind mile after mile little towns she might have stopped and lived and died in, lonely If I'm lonely it must be the loneliness of waking first, of breathing dawn's first cold breath on the city of being the one awake in a house wrapped in sleep If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore in the last red light of the year that knows what it is, that knows it's neither ice nor mud nor winter light but wood, with a gift for burning |
obsessions for life:
friends for life
(i hope -- i know):
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