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the Obsession Chroniclesposted 3 December 2003 | |
being awake & aliveTwin Maple Lane, toward the highway
i am a different person than i was a few days ago * i knew i was becoming a different person than the one i was 3 months ago when i came to Corvallis, but this is different * every once in a while i have been blessed with a day on which i can feel the changes falling into place * one lucky day last week i could feel them falling into exactly the right places *
occasionally i get the feeling i am sitting across a table from my own personal guardian angel * this angel (guardian, muse, mirror) takes many forms, not always human, & sometimes the connection is so pure that my blood buzzes with the revelations for days afterward *
this time that guardian angel reached down inside me & shined a light on pieces of my own self that i had not understood clearly the day before * the one sitting across from me the other day got right up in my face & showed me that the kind of sharing i'm looking for does exist & who knows if i'll find it, or find it for keeps, but i'll never be able to stop looking for it now * the feeling that i had all the next day, the feeling that i can still feel today if i listen hard & slow, is an electric completeness, an understanding of myself that is so strong it makes me feel more open instead of more decided * Sunshine snuck a few pictures of me drawing
it's the kind of thing that a person might want to hold onto but i've noticed that angels & even revelations slip out of your fingers as soon as you start to close them * that's okay, the message was: look within, look ahead, keep sharing *
& there's the difference: i woke up the next day & i suddenly realized that i wouldn't go back * it's not like i have a choice anyway, but i think i would have gone back if i could have a few days ago -- now i am quite sure that i wouldn't * i know enough to never say never, especially about matters of the heart, but i feel more clear & sure that my path goes only onward now *
the funny thing is that the past is so much a part of the future * there are so many pieces of myself, pieces of life that i dropped or lost along the way -- my art & writing, lessons i have forgotten, attitudes i wish i'd never changed -- that i am recovering now * in the last 5 days i've written 10 poems & a story * last night i drew another picture & it may not look like much, but to me it shows a connectedness that i trust will continue to be a part of my life if only because it is possible & i am capable of it *
the conversation with my guardian angel (in its many forms) continues today & my mind & heart are reeling... except i feel more steady than ever before * it's like i'm standing in the middle of the merry-go-round * the universe is spinning me through those dancing lessons at quite a pace but my feet my heart my wings are not having any trouble following the steps * reaching out reaching in | ||
giving & takingi needed a reminder when i got here, that life is sweet, that the fates are good, that the dances the gods teach when the heart opens are the most nourishing, that friends can carry you through anything & they do that by sharing * it is amazing how much more space opens up when the give & take gets really good * my wish for sweetness is coming truer & truer * | ||
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making lists: about this pagethe stunning movie The Pillow Book is the inspiration for this ever-evolving page of lists * there are lots of links mixed in on my lists -- if i could find a good link on any item, i included it * some links go straight to Amazon.com or the IMDb but watch that bottom status bar because there are some other great links hidden in there * if you're interested in a little history, follow the story behind this page on the one that came before it, otherwise, read on for more rambling words and lists of beloved things -- is that an oxymoron? | |
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my horrorscope today
(for the week of 4 Dec): British performance artist Mark McGowan was offended by the widespread international mockery of his country's cuisine. In protest, he decided to express his pride by turning himself into an English breakfast. A store near London let him live in the front window for 12 days, during which time he sat in a vat of baked beans with a crown of sausages on his head and a deep-fried potato wedge lodged in each nostril. In the coming week, Aries, the astrological omens suggest you should be as bold and imaginative as McGowan in support of your own pet cause.
angel cards i just drew:
freedom balance courage how am i doing? "ain't nothin' like the real thing baby" -- who sang that first? i am dancing a long sweet slow dance with the Real Thing & i am so satisfied i will always want more (not settle for less) * as for stuffing potato wedges up my nose... this page is a beginning of my sharing myself freely with the world * i never know how many people even look at this page & that's probably a good thing * if i knew people do look i might get embarrassed & start censoring myself but i decided a long time ago that when i write i think of only myself as the audience * that way i don't worry about what i say but write it all down in order to remember it * sharing it makes me bolder & freer & truer *  magic on the beach "I believe in God, only I spell it Nature."
-- Frank Lloyd Wright |
movie star crushes:
the best movies i've seen lately:
movies i want to see next:
what music is playing:
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tv shows i watch unless there's som'm better to do (usually there is):
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i am a sports fiend:
i can't say that i'm really passionate about any teams this year, but i always look forward to Sundays spent cooking with one eye on the games, or sitting around with a winter brew watching those goofs do up Monday Night Football *
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birds at my feeders:
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something good happened the other day:
yesterday Sunshine & escaped for an afternoon & drove out to the coast * we walked on the beach, always a purifying experience * i have always wanted to go to the Rogue Brewery so we drove down to the bottom of that gorgeous bridge in Newport for a beer * i'll have to do up a page for some of the pictures * & i cooked:
greens fresh from the farm to go with Sunshine's chicken *
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animal friends:
i'm not ready to get a dog still * i'm looking forward to having one to get me out of the house more, down to the river (how i miss that) * but not yet... it takes a long time to get over a first love!
i did get to see Kady when Kyle & Rachel came down -- she slept with me the whole time in fact & i gave her messages to bring home to Iverson * i've known her for as long as i've known Kyle (duh) & she's almost as good a friend *  Malkmus loves the bird bath
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what i am reading now:
sayings on my mind:
man *
just because something is possible doesn't mean you get to have it * it's all connected * all things in moderation * embrace the dark side * use it or lose it * love it or leave it * the answer's usually both * nobody's just anybody * regrettin' shit is a waste of time * i'd rather regret som'm i did than som'm i didn't * one door never closes without another one opening * there are no innocents * life is bittersweet * damn, we're in a tight spot * |
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