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the Obsession Chronicles"The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less."
-- Zeno of Citium posted 4 February 2004 | |
life being a roller coaster
wow... i didn't tell anybody but there was a moment, not a very long one, but a moment in the deep dark of the night i was up in Oly when i thought about how much easier it would be to be dead * now i'm against suicide in general -- in most cases i think it's the most selfish thing a person can do -- so that was an unusual moment for me, one of many that surprised me while i was home, i mean(!) in Oly * i don't have much to lose right now & i do enjoy the feeling of not being afraid to die (i haven't been, not for one moment, since i got down here & that may sound a little morbid but it's about living my life fully & not being ashamed of any of it, not having left anything important unsaid or undone) but wishing for it is going a little too far (which is why i didn't tell anybody & here i am putting it up for anybody to see) * so that was the last dip down & i must say that despite that awful untellable moment it felt like the kind of down that fixes some deep down illusion about life & once it's over you just move on, more than you had * i can't get over how many times i've let go of my old Oly life & i'm still doing this processing crap *
i guess it goes that way, if you're paying attention * i watched the wonderful, crush-worthy Gene Hackman on Inside the Actors Studio last week (i can't believe i missed the questions so i'll never know what his favorite curse word is!) & when the host asked him about losing his father that gorgeous (beauty being in the eye of the beholder, of course) man could not talk for several minutes * "it only happened about 65 years ago" he says, without embarrassment *so i came home & started looking for my Pippin * talk about rocking my world! some moments my sides are aching from the many belly laughs he gives me with his clumsy cutie ways & in a few moments i find myself wondering if i'm really cut out for this "parenthood" thing by myself * like yesterday when he decided it was so much fun running away from mommy that he'd just head right on out to the highway & see what it would be like to play with those big boxy critters that move at around 60 mph * he didn't run out into the highway (obviously or i'd be really thinking about death being easier than life) but he gave me one hell of a scare * i paid him back for that & lemme tell you that little boy was so good for the rest of the night! he did every trick
he knew, even stay, which he'd been pretending not to understand * good try, Pip, but you're still on leash for life (with a near certain probability of parol because being on leash sucks for both of us) *today i took him to the MacDonald Forest for a good long walk & we discovered that a) he will protect his mommy from red-headed college boys, b) the forest is chock full of brand new smells, & c) that sucker can jump high! there were lots of trees down from our recent storms & he had an easier time getting over them than i did (y'know how holding a leash can really mess with yer balance, yeh, that's it) * | ||
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making lists: about this pagelast updated 10 January 2004
the stunning movie The Pillow Book is the inspiration for this ever-evolving page of lists * there are lots of links mixed in on my lists -- if i could find a good link on any item, i included it * some links go straight to Amazon.com or the IMDb but watch that bottom status bar because there are some other great links hidden in there * if you're interested in a little history, follow the story behind this page on the one that came before it, otherwise, click on for more rambling words and lists of beloved things -- is that an oxymoron?
the lists below may look the same but they change every time i update the page * not all of them every time, but all of them over time * as it's a new year i'm going to give them another thorough going over, keep my mind moving on to new obsessions, even though i don't completely let go of the old ones *
the 2 spots at top i'll keep -- they're always changing & besides, they please me (i'm the only audience for these pages for all i know, so why not?) * my horrorscope: i'm a woo-woo type, part pagan, so why not revel in it? & the hotties in the movies: what's life without some tasty crushes? i try to keep the list short, but when i really fall for somebody it's usually because of a generous genuine nature & then i never want to take him&her off my list * like Viggo, like Salma * i saw the elvin Cate Blanchett on Inside the Actors Studio & wow... she said "It has to be a generous act" about really giving herself to a performance emotionally, going all out as she does * the generosity of creative expression is one of my favorite concepts, the one i've begun the last 2 years with (see Viggo for last year, & Brezsny for this) * see, it's all connected * | |
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my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 5 February 2004): Writing in The Week magazine, editor-in-chief Bill Falk reminisced about how earlier in his career he churned out three opinion columns a week for newspapers. It was tough. "The truth is," he said, "there were many weeks in which I didn't have three fresh opinions of any value." These days, he added, he couldn't handle a gig like that. As he's matured, he has become suspicious of his own certainties. "Opinions are highly overrated," he concludes. "Most concern passing phenomena that, six months or six years from now, become utterly irrelevant." I propose that we make Falk your patron saint for February, Aries. The astrological omens suggest that this is a perfect moment to enjoy the humility and grace that come from nurturing compassionate ideals instead of agitated opinions.
angel cards i just drew:
patience peace spontaneity how am i doing?
yes... * i have been trying to come to more disciplined, distinct conclusions about how my life should be ordered (gotta have a little, though i will never give up that precious muse spontaneity) * i listen to my dreams; i'm teaching myself to read the tarot (with my beautiful LotR deck of course); i've always loved astrology * in other words, i'm pretty durn open to all of it * it's not about the destination but rather the journey itself (not that i wouldn't mind getting there!) *
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my favorite onscreen crushes:
the boys
& the girls
the best movies i've seen lately:
movies i want to see next:
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what music is playing:
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random moments i'll never forget:
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birds who visit my feeders:
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -- Frank Lloyd Wright |
questionnaire:
my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):
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animal friends:
i got my puppy! my new best friend is a sweetie of a black lab pup & he's named, of course, for my favorite little drunk turned hero, Pippin * he's a fool, but so is Gandalf & if you care to get me started, ask me how Middle Earth would've fallen if it weren't for Pip * now the only problem is (you guessed it) i'm already dying to find him a Merry!
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sayings i live by:
not all boys grow up to be men * ain't nothin' like the real thing baby * just because something is possible doesn't mean you get to have it * home sweet home * fake it till you make it * we're all connected * all things in moderation * embrace the dark side * use it or lose it * love it or leave it * the answer's usually both * nobody's just anybody * regrettin' shit is a waste of time * i'd rather regret som'm i did than som'm i didn't * one door never closes without another one opening * there are no innocents * damn, we're in a tight spot * 
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